I haven't been this sober since birth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
