Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
