Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
