I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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