When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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