I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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