here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
