Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
