im six kinds of drunk right now
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
