He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
