You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
