Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
