i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
