Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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