Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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