I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
