im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
