She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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