can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
