remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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