All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Even my vagina gasped.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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