Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
