Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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