Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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