My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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