Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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