oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
