i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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