friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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