woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
