apparently the secret to your success is patron
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
