the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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