im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
