i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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