So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
