it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
