Umm I'm too high to move.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
