Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
