party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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