just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
