a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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