found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
