The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
