He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
