ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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