the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
