my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
