Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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