U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
