Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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