I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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