Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
