i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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