Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
