I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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